


Pick Your Poison (Lashton)

by attentionseeking



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Addiction, Dark, Depression, Drug Use, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Sad, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 17:24:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15442098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attentionseeking/pseuds/attentionseeking
Summary: Luke was only useful when he was being used(aka a very sad Luke tries to fix himself with drugs and dick)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of this story, Luke is a few inches shorter than Ashton.
> 
> ALSO THIS STORY IS VERYYYYYYRYYYRYYRY DARK I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ITS GONNA JUST KEEP GETTING MORE AND MORE FUCKED UP PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
> 
> Not a feel- good read

Luke crossed his long pale legs, tugging at the bottom of his white cropped top and smoothing out his matching white skirt. His eyes scanned the room until they landed on a boy with wild brown locks hanging over his eyes. Luke had gotten quite good at his game if he may say so himself.

Luke had grown up in one of those picture perfect households, the ones that always hide secrets. He had the full package. He had the rich family, evil father, private education, secretly alcoholic mum, big house, evil brothers- the list goes on.

His father would burst into a young Luke's room at night, pupils blown large from the cocaine he snorted every Friday night with his friends from the office, and hold Luke down while his mother would cry in her room, pretending not to hear.

On the nights that Luke escaped his father, he would only be left to face Ben and Jack, holding him down the same way his father did.

When Luke discovered boys and sex in middle school, he couldn't help but give himself fully to any guy that looked his way, in a pathetic attempt to earn the love he was never given at home. He never found it, cursed with men that would use him, suck what little life he had left. 

Luke had seen too much, felt too much. He knew all too well what men were capable of, how they could take and take and take. He knew the evil that they tried to keep hidden, he had felt it, he lived off it. It was a vicious cycle, becoming more and more desperate for affection as he was shown less and less. 

Luke made eye contact with the curly haired stranger that was now approaching him. He couldn't help himself, couldn't stop himself from flashing an innocent smile.

Luke bit his lip when the man sat next to him, fumbling with his hands in his lap. "Hey gorgeous," the stranger smirked, and Luke had to stop himself from blushing as the small praise, drinking it up. "Hi stranger," Luke giggled, slightly crossing his legs.

"Can I buy you a drink?" The man asked the inevitable, already taking out his wallet. Luke simply nodded, smiling as the game began, even though he knew he would never win.

"You can thank me by dancing with me," Ashton bargained cheekily, resting a hand on Luke's thigh. Luke took time to act like he was pondering the offer, before nodding his head sheepishly.

After finishing his drink, Ashton lead Luke to the mess of drunken bodies, resting his hands loosely on Luke's hips. "I've never danced with anyone before," Luke lied, putting on his innocent act. "It's okay baby, just follow me, okay?" 

Luke rolled his hips against Ashton to the beat of the music, smirking when Ashton brought his lips to his ear. "you're a natural, kitten."

Luke knew Ashton's act was just as fake as his own. He could see straight through his lame attempts at turning Luke to mush with pet names and compliments, only to get him into his bed for the night. Boy was he in for a ride.

Ashton's long fingers dug into Lukes thin waist as he rested his glistening forehead against Luke's. His glossy eyes bore witness of intoxication and it brought a smirk to the blonde's lips.

"It's so hot in here," Luke pouted, tilting his head foward until the crystal blue of his eyes peeked through the charcoal of his eyelashes . 

Ashton smirked, ghosting his lips over Luke's ear. "It's a lot cooler at my place."

"Lead the way, stranger," Luke giggled, entertwining his manicured fingers with Ashton's and making a direct B-line for the exit .

Ashton slid onto his sleek black motorbike, and Luke couldn't help but roll his eyes at how perfectly it complimented his leather jacket and neat stubble. 

Luke positioned himself behind Ashton, his skirt riding up dangerously high on his smooth legs. Ashton offered him his helmett and Luke was quick to fix it onto his head .

Luke slid his arms around Ashton's waist and placed his chin on his sholder.

"Hold on princess," Ashton smirked before taking off.

The cold rush of wind pinched goose bumps into Luke's creamy white skin and flooded his cheeks with rose flecks.

Ashton's apartment was large, but nothing pretty to look at. Luke scrunched his nose at the smell of smoke and cringed at the mess that took over every inch of the house.

Ashton didn't seem to notice Luke's distaste as he wasted no time in pushing him against the closest wall and attatching his lips to his neck.

Luke gripped at Ashton's jacket, tossing his head backwards. 

"I would let you fuck me against this wall, but I don't even know your name," Luke smirked, slipping from his grasp and walking to the door. 

"I'll see you around, stranger," Luke loved this part, when he got to stop acting innocent and start playing hard to get.

"Who the fuck does that," Ashton's frustrated shouts carried throughout the floor.

Luke had a routine. He would act innocent to lure guys in, then he would play hard to get. These steps made Luke feel confident, made him feel like he actually had some power, like he had a choice in what happens to his body. It was the inevitable end that made Luke shiver. The men would get bored of his games that they found endearing in the beginning. They would get sick of the chase and Luke would lose his control. They would take what they want from Luke, expose him for what he really was.

A broken boy.

He'd been taken advantage of his whole life, but it didn't take him long to figure out that if he acted in control, people would believe him for a second.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

Luke started the day with the intent to find himself a job, as he recently quit his last one because his relationship with his boss ended badly, as per usual. 

Luke toned down his feminine attire in hopes of seeming more employable, and settles for uncomfortably tight black jeans that don't do his curvy butt justice and a creme sweater.

He applied a few swipes of brown mascara and tinted moisturiser before leaving his room.

Luke sat at the kitchen bench, looking through job ads in the newspaper when he felt lips sucking at his neck.

Luke had a characteristically complicated relationship with his roommate, Calum. He was in a relationship of two years, and claimed to be as straight as a ruler, but even he couldn't resist the urge to use to Luke when he was bored. 

There was something about the way Luke was so tragically broken, so willing and desperate, that put a big target on him. 

He just made it too easy, he managed to turn even the gentlest people into vultures, feeding off his pathetic thirst for love.

Calum used to find his heart aching for the way Luke would fall further and further downhill, find himself cursing out the people capable of destroying him. That was before he turned into one himself. He remembers it all too clearly.

Calum had just ended a very heated phone call with his girlfriend, head reeling with anger. He remembers throwing his plate against their apartment tiles, hands shaking. Luke hadn't even flinched, instead sitting next to Calum, with his head hung low. It was as if he was offering himself as a punching bag, like it was second nature for him. 

Calum couldn't help himself, he began yelling at the small boy, calling him "weak" and "pathetic", claiming that he had no sympathy left for him, he "deserves everything he's been given", he "makes it all too easy".

From then on it just spiralled, Calum got too comfortable taking advantage of Luke. 

Calum was hard to reject, but Luke found the strength to pull away, refocusing on the situation at hand.

"Why aren't you wearing your pretty clothes?" Calum moved to the cupboard, deciding on what cereal to have.

He settled for an apple as always, and leaned onto the bench, giving the blonde all of his attention.

"I'm going to to get a job," Luke shrugged, giving up and reaching across to take Calum's apple.

Calum huffed, standing up. "Well I have to Skype Kate before she goes to sleep, so good luck Lukey," Calum kissed the top of Luke's head before disappearing. 

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

Luke only found two jobs that sparked his interest; a gym receptionist (to check out fit guys) and a bar tender (for free alchohol).

He went to the gym first, already liking his choice as a group of guys walked past him.

"I'm looking to apply as a receptionist," Luke told the receptionist.

"Did you bring your resume?" 

Luke handed the chirpy lady the document, pulling his lip piercing between his teeth.

"Thank you, we will take a look and get back to you about setting up an interview."

Luke thanked her before walking out and driving to the bar.

It must have been Luke's lucky day because as soon as he entered the dimly lit setting he spotted a certain brunette.

"fancy seeing you here," Luke smirked, taking a seat next to him.

It took the man a second to process the situation before smirking.

"Well if it isn't the tease that left me horny and confused."

"Sorry about that stranger, guess I got a bit tired. What are you doing at a bar at 2pm on a Wednesday?" Luke questioned.

"I could ask you the same," he stated smugly.

"You could, if I stayed around long enough to answer. Try not to think about me too much," Luke smirked, standing up and walking out the door without glancing back, leaving his resume with his contact details on his seat. He could always inquire about the job another day, he'd rather play with his new toy.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

Luke decided to treat himself to some retail therapy, constantly striving to distract himself from the permanent ache in his chest. Luke felt like his life was just a constant string of distractions and attempts to escape himself.

Like every other after noon, Luke found himself drawn to the seductive vibe of Honey Birdette, eager to add to his mountain of lingerie. His fingers traced the lace of a red thong that had caught his eye, complete with a matching garter belt and suspenders. Luke was too mesmerised by how they matched his cherry red manicure to be fazed by the $200 price tag.

Luke couldn't have arrived home fast enough, desperate to show Calum his new purchase, desperate for a reaction. He was pleasantly surprised to find Calum's girlfriend, his favourite person to stir, perched on Calum's lap, eyes fixed on the TV. Even though Calum treated Luke like a disposable form of entertainment, he couldn't help but be jealous of Kate. He never got along well with females. If he thought about it hard enough he would probably come to the conclusion that it has something to do with his mother turning a blind eye to what the men in his family were doing to him as a child, but Luke didn't like to think hard.

"Hey Cally, I forgot you were still with Kate," Luke's lips twitched into an amused smile as she shot Calum a pleading look, silently begging him to stick up for her. Luke joined the two on the couch, pulling the red delicates from the shopping bag, making eye contact with Calum. "I couldn't help myself, they were calling for me," Luke gushed, revelling in Calum's warning glare.

"How could you even afford that Luke? You have too many pairs already."

"You do know my collection better than anyone," Luke faked a reassuring smile towards Kate before adding, unconvincingly, "you know, just because we live together." He ignored Calum's intimidating scowl, and Kate's dropped jaw. "Don't worry about me Cal, you'd be surprised how much a married boss will pay to avoid a public sexual harassment case, who needs to try and hold down a job when you can have any guy you want in a split second," Luke smugly directed the end of his sentence to Kate.

"Well that's about as much as I can take for one day, I'll see you tomorrow Cal," Kate locked lips with Calum in a pathetic attempt to make Luke jealous before showing herself out. 

"Jesus Luke! What is wrong with you? How am I supposed to explain what just happened? She's starting to doubt that you're just trying to get under her skin."

Now that it was just Luke and Calum in the room he could feel his confidence draining. He shuddered under Calum's hard stare.

"You just love to play the victim, but you're the one that starts shit," Calum brought his hand down on Luke's right cheek, making the small boy whimper. 

"Fuck, I don't know why I even bother with you. You're so fucking pathetic," and with that Calum leaves the apartment

Luke couldn't explain why he always messes up.

He felt like he didn't have control over his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this on Wattpad but thought I may as well post chapters here
> 
> Feedback is much appreciated !!


	2. Chapter 2

Luke had just finished removing his makeup when he heard his phone buzzing. He moved to his bed, falling backwards as he accepted the call.

"Hello, Luke speaking," he chirped, in his most professional voice.

"Well you seem awfully excited to hear from me," a familiar voice rang through the phone.

"I'm expecting a work call, you should have just texted," Luke faked annoyance, ignoring the warmth in his belly that came from someone wanting him.

"If I texted texted you would have played hard to get, I wouldn't have gotten a response for days."

Luke forced a coy laughed, shaking his head in amusement, "I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get."

Luke brought himself to end the call on that note, he'd learnt that the only way men would give him attention is if he made the chase hard . Luke's phone lit up with a text message immediately, 'the name is Ashton, by the way'.

Ashton groaned in annoyance, throwing his phone at the bed. He should of deleted Luke's number, forgotten all about the blonde boy, but Ashton always liked a good chase. 

Luke peeled tight clothes from his body, pulling an oversized black jumper over his head.

He sat down at his makeup vanity, tilting his head as he observed his reflection. He lent forward, rubbing at his tired eyes. He reached into the top drawer, pulling out his beloved Xanax pills. He couldn't help but smile sadly at the way he spilt the pills across the vanity in his desperate impatience for the small white tablet. He swallowed it dry.

Luke had been involved with the wrong men since he was 13. Back when he was the powerless one, the one being taken advantage of. He could still feel his first boyfriend, Blake's, touch. Can remember him insisting that vulnerable, 13-year-old Luke take his first Xanax pill, because everyone was doing it. He remembers the 20-year-old snickering at his desperation to impress him, taking the pill without question. He remembers everything he put himself through to please the older man, making him shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Luke shivers at the thought, taking a swig of the vodka sitting conveniently next to his mirror, trying to speed up the affect of the pill. 

He never expected things to get this bad. He just was so desperate for attention, for love, for an escape. He looked for it in men, in drugs, in blades.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Luke felt the tension drain from his body as the pills worked their magic. He moved to his bed, sitting on the edge as he became very aware of the silence. 

When Luke wasn't distracted his skin would crawl. 

He could feel all the hands that had bruised it. He refused to blink, because every time he closed his eyes he was met with his fathers face. His fists clenched, remembering how his father's dirty hands felt on his thighs, where no fathers' hands should touch their son. 

He remembers calling out for his mom only one room over, begging for help. 

He remembers the welts that littered his thigh from his father's belt, reminding him of his place.

It doesn't take long for Luke's mind to drift over the men that have had their way with Luke since his father. 

He remembers being 12 years old when his teacher asked about his bruises, claiming he wanted to help. He insisted that Luke strip so that the man could see him, so he could help him. He remembers the fresh finger shaped bruises that were pressed into his hips that afternoon.

The Xanax kept Luke's heart rate consistent, it stopped the shake in his hands. It didn't take away the hurt though, didn't stop the dull ache that courses through Luke's body.

Before he knew what was happening, Luke was holding a shiny blade. He admired the way it reflected the light, the way it felt so familiar in his hand. 

Luke lifted the bottom of his hoodie, pressing the blade harshly against his skin, sighing as he dragged it slowly. 

The list of men that had seen his bare hips was endless, so it almost made him laugh that none had cared enough to ask about the cuts that littered his skin. Almost. 

A small trickle of blood runs from a particularly deep cut, bringing back yet another memory of his mother catching him on the bathroom floor, holding an old blade. 

"You can't possibly whine over someone apparantly hurting you, when you're sat here, hurting yourself," she'd spat, her eyes glassy.

Luke quickened his pace to chase away the relentless memories. He was so fucking sick of remembering. 

The blade fell from his fingers as he let out a sob, laying back on the cold bathroom floor. He tried to focus on the pain, put all his effort into it.

It didn't take long for the small blonde to start feeling sorry for himself. He stood on shaky legs, using a towel to wipe at the cuts before walking to Calum's room.

He walked straight in, falling on the bed next to Calum, who was too interested in his laptop.

"Cally," Luke croaked, reaching his hand over to touch Calum's arm.

"Go away Luke, I'm busy," Calum mumbled, only removing his eyes from the movie playing to quickly look at a bit of blood that smudged just below where the hoodie fell on Luke's thigh.

"Please," Luke whispered.

"What Luke? What is so fucking important, you better make it worth my while," Calum seethed, slamming his laptop shut and moving it to his bedside table.

Calum only saw Luke as good for one thing, but Luke would take anything he could get.

He moved so that he was straddling Calum, pulling his already hard cock out of his boxers. 

Luke knew that Calum would want this to be fast, that he'd get angry if Luke even wasted time prepping himself.

Luke spat on his hands, pumping Calum a couple of times before moving so that he could feel his tip at his entrance.

He began to lower himself, stopping about half way when the pain shot through his spine.

"I can't Cal, I really can't," Luke sobbed, struggling to hold himself up.

"You will, you wanted this," Calum spat, annoyed. He grabbed Luke by the hips, fulling aware of the cuts, and forced him take take his full length in one movement.

Luke screamed out, unable to stop the tears. 

He hated this. 

He hated himself.

"Shut up Luke, I paused my movie for this," Calum took full control, moving Luke's hips with his hands.

Luke stifles his sobs because it's true, he asked for this. He was ready to beg for this. Anything to distract him from his thoughts, to save him from his own company.

When Calum finished he literally tossed Luke to the side, and picked up his laptop, pressing play.

"Grab me a towel and leave me alone," Calum didn't even look away from the screen. 

Luke wanted to throw a tantrum, wanted to scream and jump up and down.

Luke was so good, he tore in half for Calum, he put up with the pain.

He was constantly destroying himself over these men. Fighting for these men to pay him attention.

It wasn't fair.

Luke could never win.

He would take Xanax to calm his nerves, but then he would be left focussing on memories. 

He would bleed to distract himself from the memories, but then he'd need comfort. 

When his temporary comfort would inevitably toss him aside he'd be left on edge.

Then the cycle would repeat. 

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

The next morning Luke made sure that his shower was scalding hot, trying to burn away the previous night. 

He had started his morning with two xanax and two shots of vodka, setting himself up for a good day.

He had no plans, he just needed to get out of the apartment.

Luke only applied mascara and hi-lighter, and slipped a cropped red sweater over his head, accompanied by a black denim skirt.

He took the elevator down to the ground floor, winking at a man in the lift that was not-so-subtly checking Luke out.

Luke was googling coffee places in his area, sick of his usual spot, when he got a text from Ashton

Are you down for breakfast? x

Normally Luke would make the chase a lot longer, a lot more painfully drawn out, but the vodka made him reply with a short,

Where?

Ashton eagerly replied

The Split Bean, meet there in 20.

The cafe was only 10 minutes away, but thanks to Luke's luck with directions, it took him 30 minutes. 

It was small, making it easy for Luke to spot Ashton.

"I thought you were going to stand me up," Ashton smirked, admiring Luke's legs.

"I considered it," Luke shrugged, taking a seat.

"I'm glad you didn't," Ashton admitted.

Luke smiled internally, wishing Ashton would just whisper sweet things in his ear all day. 

He acted unfazed by the comment, looking over the menu as if he was considering anything but pancakes. 

"What are your plans for today?" Ashton asked awkwardly, trying to get the blonde's attention 

To distract himself from his self-hatred, but he couldn't tell Ashton that.

"It's a secret," Luke winked, trying to make himself seem interesting, desperate to keep Ashton thinking he was better than he really was. 

"Well you're just a big mystery, aren't you?" Ashton observed.

Luke wished Ashton was right, but he couldn't be more wrong. Luke belonged to everyone, and anyone. He tried to picture his life as someone mysterious, someone with respected boundaries.

"Are you two ready to order?" A blonde waitress asked, interrupting Luke's thoughts.

"I'll have the Eggs Benedict, please," Ashton asked politely, flashing a charming smile at the girl.

Luke frowned at this, being the attention whore he was, and put on the most condescending voice he could muster.

"I'll have the pancakes, and make sure they're still warm when you bring them out, Amy," Luke made a point of squinting to read the girls name tag.

The girl was confused by the treatment, nodding quickly before disappearing to most likely spit in his food.

"What was that about," Ashton seemed annoyed, making Luke slump his shoulders shamefully.

Ashton's younger sister worked as a waitress back in Australia, and he used to comfort her when she'd come home upset over some asshole customer. Rude customers quickly became one of Ashton's biggest pet peeves.

Luke could see it in Ashton's eyes, could see the interest quickly turn to disapproval. 

This is why Luke felt more comfortable avoiding the guys that were chasing him, why he took so long to give into spending time with them. There was no hiding his many, many issues.

"Nothing," Luke mumbled defensively.

"Didn't sound like nothing to me, the poor girl is just doing her job, no need to give her a hard time," Ashton continued.

And Luke had done it, he'd lost his game already.

The rest of the meal was mostly eaten in silence, making Luke want to just disappear.

While Ashton payed for the meal Luke tried to think of ways to salvage this, to make Ashton interested in him again.

"Thanks for not standing me up," Ashton forced a smile, trying not to make it obvious that he didn't want to waste any more of his time on Luke. 

He thought that maybe Luke was just making him work for it because he was worth it, and he can't believe he spent that time on someone who was actually just plain rude.

"You wanna show me what your apartment looks in the daylight?" Luke suggested.

"I'm actually busy today, some other time though," Ashton lied.

"Too busy for me?" Luke pouted, not caring how pathetic he sounded, he wasn't going back to his apartment alone.

Ashton was shocked at how fast he changed from hard-to-get to desperate. 

He didn't want to give in, but there was something about the way Luke's eyes were begging him.

"I guess you can come back for a bit," Ashton sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If everything seems a bit incohesive at this point it's because I started writing this 4/5 years ago then forgot about it and moved on with life.
> 
> Now I'm back, but I wanted to change the plot slightly, so everything is a bit messy it gets smoother.


	3. Chapter 3

Luke followed Ashton like a lost puppy back to his apartment.

Ashton was both uncomfortable and confused, wanting to know what happened to the Luke that hung up on him.

Luke was all over Ashton the second they stepped through the door.

"Hang on," Ashton peeled the blonde off of him, taking two steps back, "less than 24 hours ago you were bragging about how you were so hard to get, and now you can't even look me in the eyes while you try and get me into bed."

Luke didn't get it either, he didn't understand his actions and he definitely didn't know how to stop them.

"Want you," was all Luke could manage, sick of Ashton's judgmental, disapproving stare, "please."

Ashton's eyes softened slightly, giving in.

He backed Luke against the wall, resting his hands either side of Luke's head.

Luke regretted not popping another Xanax when they were leaving the cafe. He could already feel the dread in his stomach, all the voices in his head.

These days he couldn't even kiss someone without his memories torturing him, but Luke didn't let it show, he kept going.

He always did.

Ashton left sloppy kisses up Luke's neck, making Luke hum in approval, before settling on his lips.

Luke tugged at Ashton's shirt, pleased when he pulled it off, letting Luke trace the defined muscles with his fingertips.

"Jump," Ashton whispered against Luke's lip.

Luke obliged, wrapping his legs around Ashton's hips as he carried him to his room.

Luke noticed the clothes covering the floor, making a mental note to clean it for him.

Ashton dropped Luke on his bed, crawling over him.

"Want you to use that pretty mouth," Ashton whispered in his ear.

Luke pushed Ashton onto his back, making a show of pulling off his jeans and underwear.

Ashton was already hard, and close to the biggest Luke had seen.

He licked a strip up the length, before stretching his mouth around the tip.

Ashton groaned, sounding so similar to Luke's father.

Luke tried to chase away the memory, wasting no time in taking Ashton's whole member, choking as it hit the back of his throat.

He held the position for a couple of seconds before moving his head quickly, making sure to keep eye contact the whole time.

"So fucking pretty Luke," Ashton admired the way his blue eyes peeked through his messy blonde hair that was laying limp.

Luke loved the praise, he needed it. He moved his tongue expertly, drawing the moans out of Ashton

"Need to fuck you before I come," Ashton panted.

Luke sat up, pulling his jumper over his head, and slipping off his skirt so that he was left in nothing but his black panties.

Ashton's jaw almost dropped. He threw Luke against the bed, unable to control himself.

"So beautiful," he whispered, bringing two fingers to Luke's lips.

Luke hoped he wouldn't noticed how red and abused his hole was.

Ashton didn't give Luke long to coat his fingers before bringing them to Luke's entrance.

He pushed the first finger in slowly, placing a kiss to the inside of Luke's thigh.

Luke tried so hard to hide how much it hurt, still raw from the previous night. 

Ashton pressed a second finger into him, making Luke try to wish himself out of his own body.

Ashton loved the way Luke kept his eyes trained on him the whole time.

Little did he know, this was Luke's only way of assuring himself that it wasn't his father between his legs.

Luke didn't blame his father for what happened.

He used to, but that was before all the other guys.

Before Luke's 'friends', and tutors, and teachers, and boyfriends used the same force, the same unwanted touches. 

He learnt pretty quickly that it was something about him, that it was his fault.

He was brought back to reality when Ashton kissed his hip, stopping abruptly when he saw the fresh cuts.

"Luke," Ashton whispered, heavy pity in his voice.

"It's nothing, I'm fine, keep going," Luke begged, not wanting to be tossed aside.

It was only then that Ashton looked over Luke properly. 

He could see the fear in his tired eyes, the cuts and the bruises. He noticed the way Luke was desperately trying to still his shaky hands. How could he not see it all before? 

Ashton didn't know what to do, but he knew he couldn't take advantage of the poor boy.

"I think you should go Luke," Ashton thought he was doing the right thing.

"No, I won't, I don't want to," Luke insisted.

"Luke," Ashton began sternly, "I don't know what's going on, but you clearly have some issues to sort out."

Luke's chest ached. 

He couldn't even keep someone around with sex, what was he supposed to do now?

Luke pulled on his clothes shamefully, trying to bite back tears.

Ashton led him to the door.

"I'm sorry," Ashton offered, looking anywhere but Luke's eyes.

Luke just scurried out of his apartment, practically running home.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

The apartment was empty, making Luke all the sadder.

He ran to his room, popping a Xanax.

He was so over this, so over himself.

He was so pathetic, so easy to use, to walk over.

He wasn't even good enough for Ashton to use.

He didn't understand how everyone else did it, how they got through life.

Luke needed drugs and alcohol just to get through an ordinary day.

It was so unfair. Why did Luke have to serve as a punching bag? Why did everyone else seem to walk around with their heads held high, untouched by all the evil that Luke was swimming in.

He hated himself.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Luke needed to escape his mind, he needed something strong.

He messaged his 'friend' Michael,

Please tell me you have gear on you

Michael replied instantly,

Yeah, coming now

Luke now had to figure out how to distract himself until Michael got there.

He paced the living room, willing the thoughts out of his head.

He scratched at his skin, trying to get rid of the hands he could swear were always grabbing at it.

"Stop," he whispered pathetically, not knowing what he wanted to stop exactly.

He just felt so dirty. He was sick of always feeling so dirty 

His nails had drawn blood from his bruised skin by the time Michael knocked at the door.

"Took you long enough," Luke pulled Michael inside, slamming the door shut behind him.

Michael chucked his bag on the couch, wasting no time in pouring the powder in thin lines.

Luke knew Michael usually injected, and though it was romantic that Michael only snorted it when he was with Luke, convinced himself he loved him.

Michael did a line first, before passing the rolled note to Luke.

Luke tried to hide his desperation, but failed, falling to his knees to quickly snort the powder.

He did a second line, deciding that was enough for his frail body.

"Weak," Michael muttered, continuing.

Luke laid back on the couch, laughing to himself as the poison provided him with relief.

He felt safe and warm, humming softly.

There wasn't a bad thought in Luke's mind, he felt like he was swimming in a sea of yellow.

So Luke laid on his couch, cold and pale. His bruised body had felt too much. His dull eyes had seen too much. His tortured soul had been through way, way too much. At only 17 he looked like life had kicked his ass.

But that didn't matter right now, because in that moment, Luke felt happy.

So he didn't say anything when Michael used his body like a sex doll, didn't even flinch. 

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Luke woke up to his neighbours fighting. He didn't remember remember when he fell asleep, or Michael leaving. All he knew was that it was still daylight and he was sitting alone in his apartment, with dried blood between his thighs. 

Michael.

Luke didn't blame him, heroin tends to cloud your head. He wanted to lay on the couch for the rest of his life, but he needed pain killers, so he braced himself for the pain before standing on two legs. Luke hobbled to his bathroom, opening up the wall cupboard to reveal his impressive pill collection. He ran his fingers along his shelf of opiates, deciding on codeine. 

After dry swallowing the pills, he stepped into the shower. The red water washing down the drain mesmerised him, he wished it would take him with it. After scrubbing his skin raw, Luke threw on a shirt way too big for his small frame, and buried himself in his large bed.

He stayed there for a couple of hours, sobbing into his pillow. He tried to cry out the anger, the confusion, and the utter sadness.

It didn't work. It never did.

He tortured himself with a dream of a different life.

One where he would just be getting home from high school now, bringing a couple of friends home with him. They would raid his kitchen before locking themselves away in Luke's room, getting too invested in a violent video game. He would laugh until his stomach hurt. Maybe he'd have a boyfriend. A real one. One that would play with his hair and take him on cute dates. It would be getting close to his Formal, the night that he would lose his virginity, he'd practice his moans and positions for weeks. He'd think he was just so cool when him and his friends would smoke shitty weed, maybe even take MDMA at parties if he was feeling particularly wild.

That would be nice, Luke thought, laughing at how opposite his life really was. Calum was the only real friend Luke had, and he fucked that up real quick. He lost his virginity before he could spell the word, and the closest thing he got to boyfriends were the guys that saw him as a piece of meat. He didn't even want to think about how many drugs he'd taken in his life, he couldn't even remember what was currently in his system. Most of his pill bottles didn't even have labels.

Luke heard the door slam shut, making his stomach flutter. Calum was home. He walked out of his room, fidgeting with his fingers as he watched Calum kick off his shoes. 

"Why do you always act like a love-struck 14 year old girl around me?" Calum laughed, moving toward Luke.

The blush that spread over his cheeks further proved Calum's point. He didn't exactly know why he got so giddy over these boys. Maybe it was because half the time he felt like a 14-year-old girl. He felt uncomfortable in his own body, he loved the wrong people way too much and he wanted so much more than life was giving him. Maybe Luke would always be a 14 year old girl. Luke didn't say that though, he wouldn't waste Calum's time.

Luke settled for a short, "I was lonely."

Calum pressed a gentle kiss to Luke's forehead, smiling down at the boy.

This made his heart race, his head spin. No drug could ever affect Luke the way boys did. He savoured the moment, took mental notes of the way Calum's eyes crinkled. He thought for a second that maybe if he wanted it bad enough, the warmth from Calum's lips would never leave his forehead.

"Cute," Calum chuckled, as if it was all entertaining, as if it was all some big joke. As if these small moments weren't Luke's lifeline.

Luke followed Calum to his room like a lost puppy. 

"Do you want something?" He asked, not understanding why Luke was in his room.

"Want to hang out with you," Luke pouted. He thought Calum wanted to hang out with him too. He kissed Luke's forehead! 

"We don't exactly hang out, not with our clothes on," Calum sighed, awkwardly waiting for Luke to leave him in peace.

Luke sulked back to his room. He deserved affection! At the very least he deserved attention! He had earned it. He worked harder than anyone for it. 

He grabbed his phone, calling Ashton. 

Luke was about to hang up when Ashton answered.

"Luke, I thought I made it clear this morning, I just don't think we should see each other," Luke could picture Ashton's sympathetic face.

"Please just come over Ashton. Please." Luke was so sick of begging people to see him.

There was a long pause. Luke was so sure he would say no. 

"Text me your address," Ashton sighed in frustration before hanging up.

Luke quickly texted it to Ashton before scanning his room. Half empty bottles of different spirits were sitting around his room, along with random pill bottles and powders. He moved quickly, hiding the bottles in his drawers and bedside tables. He made sure to store all the substances in his bathroom under his sink.

He was determined to make himself seem okay. He didn't want to scare off Ashton again. He popped two Xanax pills, and downed some Vodka. This was Luke's usual winning combination. He pulled on some track pants to cover the scars on his leg, and swapped the shirt he was wearing for a long sleeved blacked shirt, covering the scratches he'd made that morning. He concealed under his eyes with concealer, and popped on some hi-lighter and blush to bring some life to his face. He was interrupted by a knock on the door. Ashton.

Luke opened the door to find Ashton awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. It was clear as day that he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be with Luke. 

"Hi," Luke put on a chirpy voice, hoping he could be happy enough for the both of them.

"Hey," Ashton mumbled.

"Well are you going to come in, or just stand there," Luke forced a giggle, stepping backwards.

Ashton nodded, following Luke to his room. Luke's apartment was a lot cleaner than Ashton's, but it was so bare. Ashton's was lived in, covered in his favourite clothes and records and books. He had random colourful artwork on every wall and no two pieces of decoration matched each other. Luke's apartment had minimal furniture, with a sprinkle of obviously carefully chosen decoration. It was pretty to look at, but felt empty and fake, much like Luke himself.

Ashton sat as far away from Luke as possible on his bed, taking a sudden interest in his hands.

"Why'd you ask me to come?," Ashton let his eyes flick to Luke.

Because Luke didn't exist was when a man's eyes weren't on him. Because Luke despised himself too much to be left alone. Because Luke was self destructive and couldn't help but put himself in situations that would break him. He didn't say an of that of course, he never spoke his mind.

"I was bored," Luke shrugged. His reply was so similar to the one he gave Calum; to the one he gave his therapist a couple of years ago when he was asked why he constantly forced in himself into the arms of people that he never even really wanted to hold him. Bored, lonely, sad, confused - they all tasted the same on Luke's tongue. His therapist always had an explanation, he always reduced Luke's mannerisms to science. He didn't know Luke, no one did. Luke didn't know Luke. 

It was obvious that Ashton didn't buy it. He observed the room awkwardly, regretting giving in to Luke. The awkward silence was too much for Luke, so he resorted to the only thing he had to offer. He crawled onto Ashton's lap, about to lean in when Ashton pushed him off abruptly. 

"I need the bathroom," Ashton refused to make eye contact, disappearing into Luke's ensuite.

Luke fell backwards, he should have drank more vodka. He was pulled from his regret when he heard a confused voice from the bathroom.

"Holy shit it's like a pharmacy in here!"

Luke eyes blew wide, pushing himself off of his bed to join Ashton.

"Are you like...sick?"

Luke didn't ask why Ashton was going through his things. He never asks, only ever answers. 

He was sick, very sick. Just not the type of sick he could explain.

"It's just like vitamins and stuff," Luke's shaky voice betrayed him.

"I'm not going to do this Luke. I don't know what's going on with you, but I know it's not healthy. I'm not going to get involved with someone if I have to ignore them deteriorating."

Luke just couldn't understand why, everyone else managed to. He always thought this was what he wanted; for someone to acknowledge that he wasn't okay and not use it to their advantage. It was only then, standing under Ashton's disgusted gaze that he considered maybe it wasn't what he wanted at all, it made him squirm. He didn't want someone to hi-light his issues, at least when they were ignored he could pretend they didn't exist.

"I'm fine!" Luke insisted, his voice breaking.

Ashton stepped forward, wrapping the small broken boy in his arms, letting him sob into his chest.


	4. Chapter 4

Ashton knew he couldn't leave Luke right now, not unless he wanted to be the worlds biggest jerk. Luke pulled away after a good 5 minutes of sobbing, using his sleeve to dry the tears. He dropped to the floor and crossed his legs, Ashton following suit. 

"Are you ready to tell me what's going on," Ashton asked softly, scared that Luke would burst back into tears if he spoke too loud.

"I don't know what's going on. I really don't," Luke's voice sounded wrecked.

"Why don't we start with the drugs?" Ashton offered, just trying to understand.

"I met this guy, Blake, when I was 13. He was a lot older, and really into the party scene. He took an interest in me, always telling me I was beautiful and stuff, it made me feel so cool and important. He kinda got me into Xanax and introduced me to the world of drugs. It's always helped me calm down, lift my mood, helped me forget. It's not that big of a deal, like I'm in control," Luke shrugged.

It was very obvious to Ashton that it was a very big deal, and Luke had no control what so ever. He didn't question the boy though, just wanting to hear him out.

"There are safer ways to calm down and lift your mood Luke. What are you so desperate to forget."

"Everything. Anything. I just kinda get myself into bad situations, I don't know why." Luke felt too ashamed to admit everything to Ashton, dining around the subject.

"Bad situations? Is that where the bruises came from? Is someone, like, hurting you?" 

"I just don't have much luck with guys I guess. I don't know what it is about me. I guess I annoy them when I get too clingy?" 

"Sooo there's more than one guy that you're seeing right now?" the answer was obvious, but Ashton was just trying to slowly draw answers out of the boy.

"Yeah, I see lots of different guys," Luke almost whispered, lowering his eye level. He was such a slut.

"Which one are the bruises from?" 

"What do you mean? Just kinda all of them." Luke felt so dirty. He wanted to have a hot shower, he needed to make himself feel clean again.

"How many of these guys are there? Do they all know each other?" As someone that was very sheltered from physical abuse, Ashton refused to believe that Luke just coincidently ended up with all these guys that would lay hands on him.

"No. It's no big deal. Like I said, I can get really annoying. It's not their fault, they mean well." Luke had never had to try and explain his situation out loud before.

"I don't understand, how many of these guys are there?" Ashton was growing frustrated, none of this added up to him. Was Luke just lying to protect some guy?

It took Luke a moment to try and count all the guys he was currently seeing. It was mostly just Calum and Michael right now, but there were others that Luke saw every now and then. There was one of the security guards that worked at his building, one of the guys at his favourite waffle place, the guy that buys his alcohol for him, the list just went on really.

"A lot," Luke admitted.

"Bullshit! As if you expect me to believe that there are just all these guys that treat you like shit, and are perfectly fine letting each other do it! Look at you, you look like shit!" Ashton didn't mean to lose his temper, he was just over Luke's lies.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Luke couldn't stop the tears. He hadn't even told Ashton the half of it and he didn't believe him.

Ashton instantly regretted snapping at the poor boy. Even if he was lying, Ashton figured it was for a reason.

"I'm sorry Lukey, this is just a lot," Ashton sighed, pulling the blonde into his lap so he could cry on Ashton's shoulder.

Luke wanted to tell Ashton that he knew it was hard to hear, but it was even harder to live it and have to keep it all in. He wanted to say he shouldn't have asked if he wasn't prepared to listen. There was so much more that he wanted to say, that he needed to say. He wanted to strip and point to each and every mark on his body, telling Ashton it's story. He wanted to say that he couldn't help but love the guys that put them there. That he wasn't even capable of hating them. That he still ran to them with open arms and loving eyes. He wanted Ashton to sit and listen, telling him it was fine, that Luke was fine.

As per usual he didn't say anything though, he just cried, and cried, and cried.

Luke moved back to look Ashton in the eyes, tears still rushing down his cheeks.

"I'm not lying Ashton."

Ashton just brushed the hair out of Luke's eyes. He couldn't help but think that Luke should be striking. His legs went on for miles and he had the cutest ass Ashton had ever seen. His face was so structured, yet so feminine. He had the blonde hair, the piercing blue eyes, the full eyebrows. Don't get Ashton wrong, he definitely knew that Luke was beautiful, but in a sort of tragic way. The drugs and alcohol were definitely taking a toll on Luke's body.

"Shh, it's okay baby," Ashton hushed the small blonde.

Luke didn't want to be shushed. He wanted to talk. For once in his life he just wanted to speak and have someone listen. 

It took 20 minutes for Luke's crying to calmed down to soft whimpers.

"I really don't understand Luke. The boy in front of me isn't the same boy that was giving me blue balls a few nights ago."

"I've told you Ash, I don't know. I really don't get it either."

"So...what? Is it a bipolar thing? How can you not know?"

"I'm good at acting confident and playing games when I think a guy wants me," Luke shrugged, "but it's me, so it doesn't take long for them to stop wanting me, then the act is over." 

Luke buried his face in Ashton's chest, trying to escape Ashton's observant eyes. He was no stranger to intimacy, his body was being touched by others more often than not, but this was different. He lived life as a pretty object, but the way Ashton's thumbs traced small patterns on his back made Luke feel human. It made him feel like he existed, something he found himself questioning lately. 

"I like this Luke better," Ashton whispered, leaning back to look Luke in his eyes, smiling softly "I'd like him even more if he was smiling though."

Luke wanted to shrink between the cracks in his bathroom tiles. He couldn't deal with the way Ashton was looking at him, like he was promising that he'd fix him. Luke wanted him to - god did he want him to. But Ashton was too sweet, too naive. Luke was his brokenness. All he'd ever known was abuse and sadness, if you took that away, there'd be nothing left. 

Luke put on a convincing smile none the less, wanting Ashton to feel like he was helping.

"There you go princess," The hazel-eyed boy whispered, pressing a kiss to Luke's nose, "that wasn't so hard."

But it was so, so hard. Nothing made Luke want to cry as much as smiling did. He thought he wanted this - sweet boys telling him sweet things, trying to fix him. It was all too much though, he was too exposed. Luke wanted to run and hide, and there was only one way he knew how to do that.

"Just come to bed Ash," Luke stood, pulling Ashton up after him.

He could tell Ashton looked hesitant, he was over Ashton thinking too hard.

"Want you," Luke whispered, pressing soft kisses to Ashton's neck.

"Jump," Ashton mumbled, carrying Luke to the bed, and laying him down carefully.

He wanted to make Luke feel good. He pulled Luke's track pants off slowly, tossing them across the room, doing the same with his sweater. Ashton admired the white panties he was left in before trailing gentle kisses up his body, starting at his creamy thighs, stopping when he reached his jaw.

"Gonna make you feel pretty, baby," Ashton didn't miss the quick flash of fear in Luke's eyes. He didn't understand the boy.

Luke had never associated sex with feeling pretty, more with feeling wanted. Ashton scared him more than any other man had. Something about his softness told Luke that it'd leave him more fucked up than any of the abuse ever had. If it hurt when those men left, then how was it going to feel when someone like Ashton did?

Ashton connected his rough lips to Luke's soft ones, moving agonisingly slow, despite Luke's attempts to quicken the pace. Ashton eventually slid down the bed, placing himself between Luke's thighs.

"Lay on your belly Lu"

Luke obeyed quickly, rolling onto his stomach. Was he about to get spanked? 

Luke let out a surprised moan when he felt Ashton's tongue at his entrance. It was warm and wet, Luke couldn't help but push back, begging for more. Ashton happily obliged, but not before teasing first. He placed wet kisses around his rim, kneading his ass with his hands.

Luke's moans where being muffled by a pillow, making it hard for Ashton to hear the pretty sounds.

"Want to hear you Lukey."

The small blonde turned his head to the side, letting his mewls and whines fill the room. Ashton traced Luke's rim with him tongue. He had to use his hands to keep Luke's hips against the mattress, careful not to add to the collection of bruises. He pushed past Luke's entrance, earning a loud moan. 

He pulled back and replaced his tongue with a finger. It didn't take long before he added a second, curling his fingers to hit Luke's g-spot. 

"More," Luke's voice came out wrecked. This is the most gentle a guy had ever been with Luke's body, and it was driving him crazy.

"Manners Luke," Ashton smirked.

"Please Ash, I need more," Luke begged.

"I'm not going to fuck you today Luke," Ashton spoke carefully. He wanted to take things slow.

Luke whined, but didn't try and argue. 

Ashton added a third finger, picking up his pace. He angled his fingers to hit Luke's prostate, loving the sounds it pulled from his mouth.

"I'm gonna cum," Luke mumbled, rolling his hips against the sheets for some relief.

"Go ahead princess."

With that Luke let go, letting out a string of curse words.

"You were so good, baby," Ashton praised, standing up to search for towel.

When he came back, Luke was back on his stomach. He wiped Luke's cum off of his belly, before handing it to Luke to try and wipe the sheets.

"Let me help you," Luke moved to unbuckle Ashton's pants, but he moved back from Luke's reach.

"No, I'm fine, today was about you," Ashton insisted, " look, I have to get going, but I'll message - okay?"

Luke's shoulders slumped. He just needed Ashton to hold him.

"Bye, princess," Ashton smiled, kissing his forehead before walking out of his room, shutting his door behind him.

He really did need to get going, but there was something he needed to do first. He walked to what he assumed was Calum's room, and knocked. 

"What Luke?" 

"No, it's his friend, Ashton."

"Uh, come in?" Calum was beyond confused.

Ashton slid inside, shutting the door behind him.

"Luke seems like he's in a bad place, I'm just worried. He made up some story about having rough guys in his life. What's going on with him?" Ashton knew this was wrong, but he just wanted to be able to help.

"Luke's fine," Calum frowned. What was he doing talking shit to some random guy he just met?

"He really doesn't seem fine," Ashton insisted.

"You're a good friend, but trust me, Luke is alright. He's just a teenager dealing with normal teenager shit, experimenting with drugs and boys," Calum lied through his teeth.

A teenager? Ashton hadn't even stopped to think about how old the blonde was.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'll get out of your hair," Ashton sighed, letting himself out of the apartment. 

Once Calum heard the front door shut, he angrily made his way to Luke's room.

"What the fuck have you been talking to that guy about Luke?"

Calum was so angry that his neck vain was showing. Luke was fucked.

"So now you've suddenly run out of things to say," Calum scoffed as Luke stared back at him blankly.

"I didn't even really say anything to him," Luke mumbled.

"I know you didn't, because there's nothing to say," Calum smirked, "you run around forcing yourself on guys, then cry wolf when they cave in. It's pathetic"

"Please, Calum, I can't do this right now," Luke begged. His eyes flicked to the drawer that hid his vodka. 

"I'm so over this whole sad act. You do this to yourself! You know you do," Calum was getting closer, and Luke knew this would't end well.

"I never asked for any of this!" Luke shouldn't have raised his voice, who did he think he was.

Calum had pulled Luke up, and pushed him against the wall, before Luke could even regret his words. He delivered a punch to the small boy's gut, before dropping him and kicking him in the ribs. 

"Don't ever raise your fucking voice at me," Calum's eyes were merciless.

"I know, I'm sorry," Luke whimpered from the floor, unable to meet Calum's eyes.

"You can't honestly complain about boys hurting you, when you hurt yourself," Calum smirked, walking out of the room.

It was the same thing Luke's mum had said all those years ago. He let out a broken sob, surprising himself with the sound. He stood on two shaky legs. No matter how broken and abused his body got, it would always pour him another drink, and pop another pill. 

Just as he was about to open his drawer he caught sight of his phone, which just so happened to be lit up with a text from Ashton. He grabbed the device, almost smiling at the message.

Ashton: Call me when you're free beautiful x

Luke called before he could think twice, falling backwards onto his bed. Ashton answered within two rings.

"Hey Lu, I'm sorry for running out. I need to drop something into work before it closes," Ashton explained, Luke could hear that he was driving.

"It's okay," Luke tried his best to hide his current state, but he didn't do very well.

"Are you alright princess? You sound upset."

Luke decided that he was going to say what he was thinking for once.

"No, I'm really not. It hurts Ashton, it hurts so bad," he was working himself up.

"What hurts? What happened?" Ashton's gut twisted at the raw pain in the boy's voice.

"Everything! I'm a sum of everything that has ever happened to me! My bones are shaped by their violent touches. My blood carries their names. My skin still begs for them to be gentle, begs them to stay, long after they've left. How can I ever be okay?" Luke didn't know how to reduce his feelings to words.

"Luke, baby, you're not making sense," Ashton was beginning to panic.

"I need you here Ashton. I need you to hold me. I need you to make this all feel real. Nothing feels real," Luke's sobs were ripping through his frail body.

"I want to. I really want to, but I just can't right now," Ashton couldn't keep running to his side every time he asked, "can you go to Calum for me? I don't want you to be alone right now."

"Y-yeah," Luke didn't want to be alone either.

"I'll call you when I get a chance," Ashton promised before hanging up.

Luke swallowed a Xanax before walking to Calum's room, clutching his rib.

"I knew you'd come running, but that was fast, even for you,"Calum laughed humourlessly.

"Hold me?" Luke begged in humiliation.

"Only if you earn it," Calum stood next to his bed.

Luke dropped to his knees in from of him.

"Look up you. There's really nothing anyone could do to get rid of you. I make you bleed and you're still begging for a moment of my time."

Luke just closed his eyes and opened his mouth, because Calum was right.

He always was.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

Luke was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He always wondered how a single room managed to hold all his sadness. Calum had tossed him out of his room the second Luke swallowed. He had no clue how long he'd been laying there, but it had since gone dark outside. He rolled on his side, staring at the night sky longingly. Luke wished it would swallow him whole. 

He didn't flinch when someone knocked softly at the door. The small handful of Xanax tablets he'd taken made it hard for him to focus.

"Lukey?" Ashton called, sitting next to his dangerously still body, "Calum let me in, I hope that's okay."

When he didn't answer Ashton pulled his head into his lap, and began running his hands through the small boys hair comfortingly. A single tear spilled from Luke's damaged eyes.

"Wanna tell me what was going on earlier?"

"Was just feeling sad," Luke mumbled, uncomfortable under Ashton's attentive stare.

"Something tells me you're still feeling sad," Ashton wiped the tear from Luke's face, before returning to playing with his hair.

"Yeah," Luke whispered. He just wanted to enjoy his high, but these days the drugs weren't having the same affect.

"You can talk Luke. I'm just going to sit here and listen. I want to know everything that's ever hurt you." 

"You wouldn't be able to handle everything," Luke sighed.

"Start from the beginning, angel," Ashton encouraged.

Luke took in a deep breath. He wanted to sugar coat his life, make the words taste sweet on his own tongue, but there was no point. The memories would still make his skin burn all the same.

"When I was younger my dad would, um, touch my brothers. Eventually he moved onto me. He used to beat me with his belt then tie me down with it while he ruined my innocence. In the beginning he would threaten me or gag me, but eventually it was like he wanted me to scream. No one ever helped, mum would just drink wine until she blacked out," tears were streaming down Luke's cheek as he acknowledged the memories, "my brothers had so much anger over what he used to do to them that they'd do the same to me. I just couldn't escape the violence. It was everywhere at home, it broke me."

"Shit, baby, I'm s-" Ashton tried to comfort Luke, but he was cut off.

"You promised you'd listen, please don't say anything," Luke begged.

Ashton just nodded.

"I still loved him you know. He would come home from work so angry and frustrated, I guess I was raised to just be there, ready to take it. I wanted him to be happy with me. The only thing that seemed to make him happy was hurting me. I took it all so well, for years. I handled the passive aggressiveness from my mum. I handled the abuse from my brothers. I hid all the bruises and welts and cleaned all the blood on my own. Never whispered a word about any of it. It never worked though, none of them could stand the sight of me." 

"When I was 12 a teacher started noticing that I was different from the other kids. He started asking way too many questions about home, promising that he could make things better. I was young and so desperate for someone to save me, so I started confiding in him. One afternoon, when everyone left, he locked the classroom and insisted that I strip so he could see my bruises. I wasn't dumb, I knew exactly what was happening, I just didn't know how to stop it. He said he could make me feel better, but he was just like my father and brothers. We had regular 'talks' after school that year. I think that's when I realised that men are all the same, in the end."

"When I was 13 I started avoiding going home for as long as possible. I'd hang out everywhere from parks to malls to carparks. I met some shady people, and eventually got involved with a guy named Blake. He was 20, and made me feel so cool. He taught me to blow smoke rings and would get me drunk and make me give all his friends lap dances. That's when I first thought I could control my body, and use it on my own terms. I was so wrong. I was like a doll to him, my body didn't even belong to me. I don't think it ever has."

"Blake eventually move on, but there was never a shortage of older men wanting a vulnerable teen boy," Luke took a second to laugh sadly at his words, because there still wasn't.

"Since then there's been a string of guys. Guys just want to take, and I was raised to give. Would you believe me if I said I've loved all of them? I know they really care, and nothing they do to me physically can change that. I could take all the pain in the world, if it came with a guy whispering sweet words. I have so much love to give, Ash."

"And what about Calum?" Ashton's voice came out raspy, trying not to break down at Luke's admissions.

"Calum used to be different. There was a point where he wouldn't have laid a finger on me. That's how I know it's something about me that makes guys so angry. I make Calum, the sweetest guy on Earth, turn violent," Luke whispered shamefully.

"What do you mean turn violent," Ashton was beginning to lose his calm. 

"It's no big deal. It's just me, Ash. Everyone hurts me. Calum wouldn't hurt anyone else. I make him mad, he tries his best to control his anger," Luke tried tried to explain, sitting up and moving into Ashton's lap. 

"You're telling me that you're sitting in here breaking, and the guy who's hurting you is a couple of metres away," Ashton seethed.

"I am broken, Ashton. I broke a long time ago. Nothing Calum does or doesn't do can change that. I may as well make myself useful," Luke frowned.

"What the fuck do you mean by make yourself useful? You're a human being Luke! Not a stress ball! You're hurting, that doesn't mean that you're always going to feel like this," Ashton wanted to hurt Calum.

"Look, I'm even making you angry right now, Ashton," Luke sighed.

Ashton's eyes softened in realisation. He grabbed Luke's face gently, forcing him to make eye contact.

"Listen to me carefully, Luke. None of this has ever been your fault. I'm angry at Calum, not you."

"Let me calm you down," Luke whispered, moving his hands to rest on Ashton's thighs suggestively.

"I'm going to go have a little chat with Calum, that'll calm me down" Ashton spat, gently moving Luke from his lap.

"No!" Luke squealed, running to block the door with his small body, "please just take it out on me, not him."

"I'm not going to hurt you Luke! Ever! You can't expect me to be okay with that asshole getting away with what he does to you," Ashton's heart broke at the way Luke was so eager to protect his abuser. 

"I trusted you Ashton. Please, this isn't the time," Luke begged, eyes red with tears.

"Okay, just for right now," Ashton whispered, "but you aren't staying here tonight. You're coming back to mine."

"Okay, let me tell Calum. I'll meet you down stairs," Luke smiled softly.

Ashton only agreed because he didn't trust himself to see Calum and not attack him. Once Ashton left Luke made his way to Calum's room.

"I'm not going to be here tonight."

"Okay?" Calum was more interested in his phone.

"I'm going to stay at Ashton's."

That caught Calum's attention. He dropped his phone, sitting up straight.

"You'd rather be with that tool than me?" He frowned.

"It's just one night Cal," Luke sighed.

"No, you're staying here," Calum warned. He didn't like that Ashton thought he could just show up in Luke's life and start changing things.

"I'll be back tomorrow," Luke would be lying if he said Calum's jealousy didn't make his stomach flutter. He cared.

"Do I get a kiss goodbye?" Calum's forced tone was sickeningly sweet.

Luke skipped happily to the bed, straddling Calum.

"I love you," Luke beamed.

"I know," Calum smirked, before pulling Luke's lips against his.

The kiss was rushed and sloppy, but it left Luke beaming. 

"Bye, Cally," he smiled, before grabbing his stuff and meeting a suspicious Ashton down stairs.

All the darkness and tears were worth the rush he got from feeling wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

Luke woke up in a guy's bed with his pyjamas still on, held by protective arms. This was a big first for him. He'd dreamt up this scene more times than he'd care to admit, so why did he feel so uneasy? 

"Morning," Ashton mumbled sleepily when he felt Luke squirming.

Luke twisted in his grip so that he was laying on his side, facing Ashton. He cursed himself for forgetting his Xanax as his withdrawal crept up on, already feeling the ache in his muscles.

"I want to take you out on a date today," Ashton kept his eyes closed, but pulled Luke closer against him, "I'm going to show you how you should be treated; how you're going to be treated."

"You're too good to me," Luke spoke in a playful tone, but he was grateful that Ashton couldn't see his small frown. This treatment felt so foreign to him; so unnatural. Luke itched for his Xanax as his anxiety scrambled his thoughts. 

Luke spent his whole life aching to feel good enough, and worthy of love. Laying there, next to the most deserving person he'd ever met, Luke felt less worthy than ever. At least with the mean boys Luke normally chased he knew that he deserved their love; that he fought so fucking hard for it. But Luke wasn't sure that anyone deserved Ashton's love, especially not someone like him.

"The bar is set pretty low," Ashton finally opened his eyes, rolling so that he was facing Luke. He brought his finger to the smaller boy's cheek, tracing the purple bruise. It made Luke feel exposed and dirty. He wanted to be unmarked for Ashton.

"I'm sorry," Luke whispered. Ashton deserved so much better than damaged goods.

"For what?" Ashton recoiled his hand in confusion.

"You're the type of guy that finds a sweet church girl named Sophie or something, and moves to the suburbs where you live happily ever with a labrador named Max," Luke mumbled, hiding his face in Ashton's chest.

"I don't want a Sophie," Ashton laughed, "I want a Luke."

Luke tipped his head up so that he could see Ashton.

"I want an Ashton," he blushed.

He wasn't lying, he definitely wanted Ashton. He just knew he could never really have him, and he didn't want the pain that would inevitably come with that. Drugs were barely numbing his current wounds, he couldn't afford any more.

He still let Ashton connect their lips though, melting into the touch. It was quick and closed-mouthed, but it was enough to make Luke think that maybe Ashton was worth the risk of destroying what was left of himself.

"Now get ready, princess," Ashton pinched Luke's ass, earning a squeal from the boy.

Luke slid out of the warm bed, and the second his skin lost contact with Ashton he felt a little less himself. He couldn't help but see it as a taste of what was to come; a foreshadowing of how he will one day lose himself when he inevitably loses Ashton.

"Where are the towels?" Luke stuck his hands in his pockets to hide how they were shaking slightly. This was going to be a long day sober.

"They're under the sink," Ashton nodded his head at his ensuite.

Luke shut the door behind his, letting his shoulders droop when Ashton's eyes were off of him. A gasp escaped him when he stripped and caught his reflection in the mirror. The aftermath of Calum's blows the day before was brutal. The bruises stretched across the left side of his torso, a swirl of reds and blues. He couldn't help but let out a sob as he traced the mark.

Within a second Ashton was standing behind the small boy, wrapping his arms around him. Luke didn't want him to ever let go. 

"Shh, I've got you," Ashton whispered, holding eye contact with Luke in the mirror, "I'm going to protect you, baby, I promise." 

"I don't want to be bruised anymore," Luke cried.

Ashton stood back to drop his boxers, before picking Luke up and carrying him into the shower. He made sure the water was warm enough, hoping the steam would calm the upset boy. Ashton poured his body wash into his hand and began washing Luke's frail body. He struggled to his his anger as his hands moved over every bruise and scar. He was going to kill Calum, and anyone else who ever laid a hand on his Luke.

"So pretty," Ashton praised, moving the boy under the water to wash away the suds.

Luke just smiled sadly, picking up the body wash Ashton had placed down. He followed Ashton's actions, squirting some into his hand. His body was so tanned against Luke's pale hand. Luke admired the way Ashton's muscles flexed under his touch. He could feel Ashton's hard gaze on him, but he refused to take his eyes off of his body that must have been carved from stone.

The second Luke had finished lathering, Ashton tipped his chin up and connected their lips. The kiss became heated quickly, all tongue and muffled moans. Ashton pulled away and stepped back when Luke reached for his member, earning a whine from the blonde. He didn't want to take advantage of Luke while he was vulnerable, he needed to be better than the other. 

"We have a date to go on," Ashton insisted with a smirk.

Luke smiled gratefully, turning the water off, and following Ashton out of the shower.

Ashton grabbed two towels, hanging one around Luke's shoulders before wrapping his own around his waist. 

Luke grabbed his makeup from his bag, before adjusting his towel so that it was wrapped under his arms, and sat in front of Ashton's full length mirror. He began his usual routine of concealer, hi-lighter and mascara. Ashton sat on his bed behind him, thinking how lucky he was to have a real-life angel sitting in nothing but a towel, getting ready in his mirror.

Luke's mind, however, was stuck on when he could next get his hands on his pills. The nausea had started, which meant the fever wasn't far off.

When Luke finished Ashton threw on his usual black pants, and tucked in a red striped shirt. Luke slipped on his loose high-waisted jeans and tucked in a black sweater.

"You're so cute," Ashton cooed, admiring how petite Luke looked in his over-sized clothing.

"You're so hot," the reply slipped out of his mouth making Luke blush profusely. 

"Come on, princess," Ashton chuckled, leading Luke out the door of his messy apartment.

Luke reached for Ashton's hand while they were walking down the busy street, wanting to feel close to him. 

"Sooo where are we going?" Luke beamed.

"First we are grabbing breakfast, then there's a pop up carnival I wanna take you to."

"Sounds perfect."

Ashton stopped in-front of a little cafe, walking Luke to the entrance where a lady stood holding menus.

"A table for two?" The pretty girl asked, flashing a flirty smile at Ashton.

Ashton knew Luke noticed it when his grip on his hand tightened suddenly, and his eyes squinted. Ashton remembered the last time Luke got jealous over a waitress and knew he had to defuse the situation. 

"Yeah, it's just me and my boyfriend today," He replied politely, moving his hand to the small of Luke's back, moving his thumbs in circles.

"Right," she nodded, pointing to a table in the distance "there's a table free by the window."

"Thank-you," Ashton smiled, guiding Luke to the table, pulling out his seat for him.

"You don't need to get jealous, angel, you've got me wrapped around your little finger," Ashton chuckled.

"I wasn't jealous," Luke whined, knowing himself that he was lying.

"But while we are on that topic," Ashton began, his expression turning serious, "if we are going to do this, you and me, then it has to be just you and me. No more Calum or any other guys."

"Y-yeah, I can do that," Luke would try his best.

"And please, no more drugs baby. I can't watch you destroy yourself" Ashton begged, lowering his volume.

Luke's face dropped. His withdrawal symptoms were in full swing, making it clearer now than ever that he couldn't just stop the drugs. He couldn't function without the small white bars, but he could never admit that to Ashton.

"It doesn't work like that," Luke frowned, "I have it under control, I can't just stop."

"That makes no sense, Luke, if you had it under control you would be able to just stop," Ashton sighed, "I'm not suggesting that you quit cold turkey. I'll be there every step of the way, we'll slowly ween you off of them."

Ashton grabbed Luke's hand across the table. The blonde quickly pulled away, hoping that Ashton wouldn't notice the cold sweat, but it was too late.

"Are you alright," Ashton asked, suspicion and concern laced in his voice.

"I'm fine," Luke bit, "I'm just not feeling well."

"Luke you're not, um," Ashton struggled to phrase his question sensitively, "you're not experiencing withdrawals? Are you?"

"I told you that I'm fine, Ashton, it's just a bug," Luke's tone was bitter and unrecognisable, " I can stop using any time I want."

"Then why don't you stop," Ashton pleaded, choosing to believe Luke, against his better judgment.

"Because I don't want to," Luke hissed.

"Please don't be mad Luke," Ashton couldn't understand why he was being so hostile, "I want to help you, I care about you."

"I know," Luke knew how shitty he could be when he was experiencing withdrawals, and it wasn't helping that Ashton was forcing him to acknowledge his addiction "I'll stop, I promise."

Deep down Luke knew it was a promise he could never keep. 

"Thank you," Ashton whispered, smiling warmly.

"Are you two ready to order," the waitresses nasally voice interrupted.

"I'll get brekkie burger," Ashton smiled, looking at Luke waiting for him to order.

Luke wanted to ask for Xanax, or heroine, or even a shot of vodka. Something to stop every nerve in his body from buzzing. He couldn't function sober. It was no longer a distraction, but a life line. He couldn't say any of that, of course, so he just asked for pancakes.

"Perfect, won't be long."

Luke seemed off all breakfast. Ashton tried to pretend that the boy was just tired, but he knew better. He knew getting involved with Luke wouldn't be easy, and far from any normal relationship. The blonde boy had issues - very dark issues. Ashton had tried to mentally prepare himself for the uphill battle of caring for someone who only knew how to destroy themselves. It all seemed worth it when he was holding the beautifully broken angel in his arms, but that desire to care for him didn't come as easily when the same angel was scowling at him across the table with bloodshot eyes and shaky fingers. 

"Let's just go to the carnival, yeah?" Ashton spoke as softly as he could, as if talking to a sleep deprived toddler.

"Yeah," Luke nodded, pushing his half eaten pancakes away from him.

Ashton signalled over a waitress, and payed quickly, desperate to get some life back into Luke.

"You know we're on the same team," Ashton gently comforted once they were walking past the shops again, "I get that you're going through a lot, but all I want is to show you I care, it's not fair for you to give me shit for that."

"You don't want to show me you care, you want to fix me," Luke was barely even aware of his words at this point in his withdrawals, "I don't need fixing. I'm not some broken toy."

"I don't get it!" Ashton was beginning to lose his cool, "Calum treats you like shit and you worship him, but I treat you the way you deserve and all I get is snarky comments."

"I wish I was with Calum right now," he didn't mean it, not entirely.

"Bullshit!" 

They'd stopped walking at this point, and people were starting to stare.

"Calum would pop me a couple of pills, call me some pretty names then make me feel the way I deserve. That's all I need, stop trying to turn this into some fucking fairy tail," Luke's voice was sharp.

"You're delusional Luke!" Ashton dropped his volume to a harsh whisper, "you want to be drugged and raped?"

"Calum makes love to me," Luke's voice broke, tears threatening his dead eyes.

Ashton lifted Lukes arm, pushing the sleeve of his jumper up to reveal the bruises that laced his skin.

"Do you feel loved while he's marking you with these? Tell me, angel, do his words hurt even more than his hands, no matter how much sugar he coats them in?"

"Fuck you!"

"You don't deserve any of this, but that doesn't mater, does it? Because you want it. None of those assholes could ever see you as worthless as you see yourself, so you welcome every word - every hit. Does it anger you that I treat you better than you think I should?"

"You don't know me Ashton."

"Jesus, Luke, just give me a shot. Drop the bullshit and let yourself want this. You're protecting yourself from the wrong things - the wrong people"

"You don't get to stand there, after knowing me for two seconds, and act like you have all the fucking answers! I'm sorry if you don't approve of how I handle things, but at least I'm fucking handling them! You could't possibly understand how I feel, or the things I go through, but I'm here and surviving. So don't you dare show up and expect me to put on a smile and run into the sunset with you." Luke's vision was becoming so blurred that he didn't notice the small crowd that had stopped to watch the ordeal.

"Let's not do this here," Ashton begged, letting his eyes quickly dart across the entertained, yet concerned faces of the onlookers.

"Take me home."

"Just come to the carnival, please," this wasn't how Ashton expected the day to go.

"I said take me home," Luke's words were as cold as his stare.

"Okay."

The walk back was quiet - neither knowing how to break the silence without breaking themselves. 

"Thanks for trying," Luke mumbled once they were standing in front of his apartment door.

"Sorry it wasn't enough," Ashton smiled sadly.

Luke had turned what should have been a nice day into a short exchange of hurtful words, yet Ashton was the one apologising. He almost found it funny. Almost.

"You're a good guy Ash, I really do wish we could work."

"Nothing you do will push me away. I'm going to keep trying, we're going to be happy. I just need you to try as well," Ashton placed a quick kiss on Luke's forehead before walking away, resisting the urge to look back.

Luke wanted to believe him. He wanted to put in the effort, and make Ashton proud. In a perfect world he'd flush his pills and delete the boys' numbers from his phone. But this wasn't a perfect world, and he wasn't a perfect guy, so instead he called Michael and begged him to bring everything he had.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

"You look like shit," Michael chuckled when he let himself in to find a shaking Luke on the couch.

"Please," Luke begged, using the last of his energy to hold eye contact with Michael.

"You owe me blondie," he smirked, grabbing a spoon from the kitchen.

He dug around his backpack, pulling out his lighter, small bag of heroin, needle, and bandana. He tied the bandana tightly around Luke's arm before working on heating the white powder. He drew the toxic liquid into the needle and skilfully injected it into Luke's vein.

"You know I hate getting injected," Luke tried to whine, but it came out as more of a whisper.

"Shh, just enjoy your high," Michael laughed.

"More," Luke pleaded, looking to Michael's back pack of goodies.

"Whatever you need, babe," he tossed Luke a couple bags of colourful pills.

Luke hummed, dry swallowing the two brightest pills.

"You don't know how badly I needed this, Mikey, was going insane."

"Mmm I don't find that hard to believe," Michael smirked, acknowledging that Luke seemed significantly more wrecked than usual. He slid his hand up his thigh none the less, going to unbeaten Luke's jeans when he stopped him.

"Can't, Mikey, I think I have a boyfriend now," Luke giggled, the drugs making his head feel a million times lighter.

"I don't care if you're married with kids. I'm getting my payment, and believe when I say you want me to take it while the drugs are numbing you," Michael chuckled as if it was all some big joke, unbuttoning Luke's pants.

"No, Michael, I want to be faithful," Luke pleaded, but Michael wasn't stopping.

"You're Luke fucking Hemmings, you don't get to say no," Michael was interrupted by his own laughter, "sluts give up that option."

Tears were overflowing out of Luke's fearful eyes. He hadn't refused a man since he was a young boy. He'd learnt to always say yes - to convince himself that he wanted it - so that he could pretend that they would listen if he chose to say no. He forgot what it felt like to beg for his own body.

"P-please Michael," Luke's sobs were too violent for his fragile body, ripping through him like electricity.

"It's never been an issue before, just stay quiet," Michael was growing annoyed.

"At least g-give me m-more," Luke squirmed under Michael's aggressive hold.

"If it'll make you stop fucking fidgeting," Michael grumbled, digging through his bag for his strongest benzos.

Luke held out his tongue obediently as Michael dropped the pills onto it.

"Swallow, baby," he smirked.

The pills worked quickly, much to Luke's relief. He tried to imagine that the man on top of him was Ashton, but it didn't work. Ashton couldn't be so merciless - so violent. 

Not yet.


	6. Chapter 6

When Luke finally came down from his high he came down hard. It all seemed too familiar; the pounding headache, the empty pill bottles, the ache between his legs. Michael was long gone. Luke tried to stand on his two legs, but just like everyone else, they refused to hold him. 

"Calum," Luke called out, praying that he was home.

It didn't take long for the raven-haired boy to emerge from behind his closed bedroom door. 

"Well look who's finally awake," Calum smirked, sitting next to Luke on the couch.

"When did Mikey leave?" 

"Probably the second he finished," Calum bit, flickering his eyes to Luke's lack of pants.

Calum knew exactly when he left. He was the one that dragged him out.

"Ashton's gonna be upset," Luke's face fell as he realised.

"Who cares?" Calum rolled his eyes, pulling the blonde boy so that he was straddling his lap.

"Still sore," Luke whined, but sank into Calum's hold none the less.

"So self destructive" Calum whispered, dragging his finger down the fresh track mark on Luke's arm.

"Just tell me how pretty I am," Luke whined, pulling his arm away.

"The prettiest," Calum smirked, placing his hands on Calum's waist.

"Prettier than your girlfriend?" Luke giggled, pressing kisses along Calum's jaw.

"A thousand times prettier, more obedient too."

"Then why do you need her, you can have me," Luke whined.

"Luke," Calum warned, tightening his grip on the blonde.

"I'm prettier, and I let you do whatever you want, what does she give you that I don't," Luke pulled back, twisting his face into a sulky scowl.

"I'm not having this conversation Luke. I love Kate," Calum would never know how hard the last three words rip through him.

"But I want you to love me."

"Luke, you still have another guy's cum inside you. You're on a comedown from heroin and god knows what. You're a mess. Boy's like you aren't loved, they're craved at best," Calum shook his head.

"Then crave me" Luke's eyes threatened to spill tears, but his voice was calm and low.

"I do," Calum smirked, pushing Luke to his knees infront of him, "I'm craving that pretty mouth right now."

Luke was a master at making himself feel full on small crumbs of affection, so he nodded obediently, and unbuckled Calum's belt. He spent the entire blow job thinking about

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Ashton knocked on Luke's door loudly, excited to see the small boy. He was disappointed when Calum opened it.

"He's not here."

"Where is he?"

"I sent him out. He get's too needy after he sucks me off," Calum smirked.

"I'll wait until he gets back then," Ashton challenged, assuming that Calum was lying to get under his skin.

"Be my guest," Calum shrugged, stepping back to let Ashton in, "just don't get surprised if he rocks up around another dude's arm."

"What did Luke ever do to make you treat him like shit?" Ashton spat.

"Too much," Calum laughed humourlessly.

"That's rich," Ashton matched his chuckle, "I'll never understand how someone like you gets to have someone like Luke in his life."

"I love Luke," Calum seethed.

"You like what he is willing to do for you," Ashton bit back in disgust.

"You know nothing about me Ashton! But I know you," Calum smirked, "I bet you look at Luke and see all his cracks. I bet you think that means you can see through them, and see who he really is. I bet you hate the people that held him then dropped him. I know you think that you're different. I was like that, Ashton. I begged him to let me help. I laid awake praying that he would be okay. You aren't better than any of us, he just hasn't broken you yet."

"That's a joke right? If you ever really loved him you wouldn't be able to bear the thought of hurting him," Ashton's head was whirring with anger.

"He's infuriating! He plays with matches then cries when he gets burnt. He will never stop playing with matches Ashton. I spent years destroying myself trying to help him, but he doesn't want to be helped. I know I don't treat him like some princess anymore but, fuck, I still love him. He turns me into a monster, that's what he does to people. It might take a week - it might take years- but you will realise how much it hurts to love someone like Luke. That pain changes you Ashton."

"Why not leave him alone then? If you really can't help but be a monster, then why not be one less monster he has to deal with?"

"Because when he's so high that he can't see straight I move the drugs out of his reach. When he's passed out I water down his vodka. I kick out the guys, I call the ambulances, I make sure he eats, I do his laundry, I even sneak money into his wallet. Does he notice? Of course not! Luke can only see what's ruining him. Don't you want him to see you, Ashton?"

"Yeah," Ashton sighed, "but not as much as I want to help him. That's the difference between you and me."

Calum opened his mouth to respond, but he quickly shut it when Luke walked through the front door.

"My two favourite people," Luke giggled excitedly.

His frail body executed the part of a 'happy person' so well. His smile stretched so wide that it pushed his eyes into a squint. His giggle ended in an adorable squeak. But Luke would always be a graveyard, no matter how many flowers he decorated himself with. Even when squinted into slits, Luke's eyes managed to create room for so much emptiness. His laugh still sounded unsettlingly similar to his sobs. 

"What's got you so giddy," Calum huffed.

"Bit of vodka, bit of xanax," Luke hummed.

"Fucking junkie," Calum mumbled under his breath, but Luke heard it as clearly as he heard Ashton's disappointed sigh.

"Sorry," Luke smiled sarcastically, "I meant to say I just had a really good cup of coffee, or went for a walk in the fucking park or something."

"I thought we had an understanding," Ashton frowned, stepping closer to Luke, "I thought we were going to get sober."

"You mean you thought that I was going to get sober," Luke giggled.

"Luke, we're going to do this together, remember," Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke's small waist, leaving little room between them. 

Luke nodded absent-mindedly, focused on enjoying his high.

"Oh give me a break. Just this morning he was getting fucked while he was high on heroin," Calum hissed.

Ashton dropped his arms, stepping away from Luke. 

"He's lying right?" Ashton was having trouble believing that his sweet Luke would slip up so badly, so soon.

"It wasn't like that," Luke's voice broke at how betrayed Ashton looked.

"Tell me what it was like then," Ashton demanded, frowning in an attempt to cover up how hurt he really felt.

"I-I needed it, Ashton, I can't just quit cold turkey."

"Did you need him too?" 

"I didn't even want him," Luke insisted desperately, trying to pick up Ashton's arms and place them back around his waist.

"I don't think you know what you want," Ashton huffed, pushing Luke's weak hands off of him.

"You can't do this," Luke spat, his demeanour quickly flipping from distressed to mischievous, "you said that nothing I do will push you away. You said that you'd keep trying. You can't leave me."

Calum laughed humourlessly behind them - the situation felt all too familiar.

"Careful Lukey, you're letting the damsel in distress act slip," Calum snickered.

"Fuck off Calum," Ashton spat.

"Yeah yeah. I'll leave you two to it," Calum rolled his eyes, disappearing into his room.

"You're not upset with me are you?" Luke pouted, standing on his tippy toes to place a peck on Ashton's cheek.

"You really are going to ruin me, aren't you?" Ashton chuckled.

As if humans were capable of anything else.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

Ashton didn't want to leave Luke with Calum but, unlike the blonde boy, he had a job and responsibilities. 

Ashton woke up the next morning with a weight in his stomach. He was running on far too little sleep or motivation to go to work, but unfortunately, that would make no difference to his boss. He basically fell out of bed, dragging his uncooperative body to the bathroom. He took possibly the worlds longest shower, before scrubbing his teeth, not having the energy to eat breakfast. 

Ashton pulled on a grey button up shirt and black pants before his phone dinged with a message from Luke

 

Luke: Hate waking up alone :( Come over?

 

Ashton: I told you yesterday I have to go to work, visit me? :)

 

Luke: I'll bring you lunch! Address?

 

Ashton smiled at the texts, imagining the blonde boy all pouty and needy, then quickly sent through his work address. He caught sight of the time, cursing at how slow he was when he was tired. He pulled on his black shoes and grabbed his wallet and keys, rushing out the door.

When he sat down at his desk there was already a coffee sitting in front of his computer. 

"Heard you were returning from your little break today, so I thought I'd grab you a coffee. You're always running too late to get one," Bryana, his colleague that worked next to him, blushed.

"Thanks, B, couldn't start my morning without you," Ashton laughed, bringing the cup to his lips.

"So I think you owe me lunch, for leaving me to cope with the rest of these squares alone for a week," the blonde joked, with a touch of vulnerability in her voice.

"Someone is bringing me lunch today, but tomorrow?" Ashton offered, thinking nothing of it.

"Sounds like a d-plan," she laughed nervously, thinking a lot of it. 

"So what have I missed."

"Well, Sandra bought ANOTHER cat, which truly shocked the whole office. Oh, and, Ned invited me to some competition his acapella group is entering," Bryana rolled her eyes.

"Sedoctaves is performing and Ned didn't invite me," Ashton feigned offence.

"I'm sure your invitation just got lost in the mail, he wouldn't do that," she giggled.

"You're right, I'll call the post company after work," he smirked.

"God I missed this, I haven't laughed at work a single day you've been gone," Bryana admitted, hoping she wasn't being too obvious about her not-so-little crush.

"Does that mean you actually got some work done," Ashton teased.

"Not at all."

Ashton's day went pretty quickly chatting to Bryana, he was shocked when lunchtime rolled around. Luke was waiting for him to message.

"Well I'm going next door to grab a sandwich," Bryana sighed, saving the little work she managed to get done between conversations.

"I'll walk with you," Ashton offered, texting Luke to meet him next door, and that they will just get lunch there.

Bryana's face lit up, nodding her head eagerly.

Luke had been sitting on his couch, waiting impatiently for Ashton to text. When he did he wasted no time in leaving the apartment. Ashton's work was luckily in walking distance, so it only took ten minutes for the blonde to arrive at the small sandwich shop.

He was about to walk in when he spotted Ashton sitting at a table with a pretty blonde lady. Her big eyes were trained on Ashton's every move, making Luke's blood boil. That was his Ashton. He strode into the shop, walking confidently until he stood next to the table Ashton and the whore occupied.

"Luke! Sit down, I ordered for you," Ashton beamed.

"I thought it was just going to be the two of us," Luke pouted, but took a seat regardless. 

"I'm sorry, I can leave the two of you to it," Bryana apologised.

"Don' be silly. Luke, this is Bryana, a good friend and colleague," Ashton smiled, ignoring Luke's outburst.

"So you guys work together...like every day," Luke frowned. This wasn't good.

"Yes that's usually how jobs work," Ashton laughed.

"I can eat in the lunch room I really don't mind," Bryana insisted, uncomfortable under Luke's stare.

"Luke, baby, please be nice," Ashton pleaded, resting a hand on Luke's leg.

"Fine," he huffed.

"No, really, I'll just see you back in the office," Bryana forced a smile, standing up with her sandwich and leaving quickly. She could deal with some blunt words, but she couldn't deal with the nicknames and touches. Not if they weren't directed towards her.

"Jesus, Luke, what was that."

"I don't like her."

"Why? Because I talk to her?"

"Yes."

"I talk to a lot of people Luke, you're being ridiculous."

"But not everyone you talk to is a pretty girl giving you bedroom eyes."

"She is just a friend! It doesn't matter how attractive she is, you can't treat people like that," Ashton couldn't hide the frustration in his voice.

"I just want you all for myself Ashy," Luke felt his eyes water at the disappointment in Ashton's glare.

And just like that Ashton was a puddle at Luke's feet again.

"Don't cry baby, there's nothing to cry about. I am yours, all yours. Okay?" Ashton brushed a stray hair from Luke's eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm so fucked," Luke whispered.

"Don't say that," Ashton frowned.

"Just want to go home and cuddle," Luke sighed.

"I know, but I have work."

"Just don't want to be alone after I've made you mad," Luke blinked tears from his eyes.

"Okay, don't cry princess, I'll get B to cover for me," Ashton was completely under Luke's spell, and would do anything to stop his tears.

"B?"

"Bryana," Ashton clarified, too busy typing the text to catch the bitter look in Luke's eyes at the nickname.

Ashton: I know it's my first day back, but I have to go home. Cover me if the boss man notices I'm gone?

Bryana: Is it about Luke? I'm sorry if I caused an argument :(

Ashton: Don't be silly, I'm sorry about how he acted. It was mean, he's usually the sweetest.

Ashton always found himself defending Luke, what if he really wasn't the angel he believed him to be? It only took one glance at his pretty blonde boy for Ashton to blow off the crazy thought.

"Let's get you home baby boy."

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Ashton picked Luke up once they entered his apartment, carrying the small boy to his room and dropping him onto his bed. He climbed over him, resting his forearms next to Luke's head to hold up his own weight.

"Are you over your little mood yet," Ashton teased.

"Mhmm all better," Luke giggled, feeling pretty under Ashton's adoring stare.

"Are you going to tell me the real reason you go all Mr Hyde on me around girls?"

"I told you," Luke whispered, tracing patterns across Ashton's clothed chest with his finger, "you're my boyfriend, and she was all over you. I reacted how anyone would."

Luke knew why he'd always flipped around girls. He was well aware of the anger and hurt he still harboured towards his mum. His blood boiled at the memories of her reading in bed while he screamed for her help in the next room. Girls were like roses - pretty little flowers concealing their thorns. Luke wanted to be a pretty flower, he was over being a punching bag.

"You and I both know she wasn't all over me, princess. You even act the same way with waitresses," Ashton pressed.

"Why do you care," Luke huffed.

"Because I need to be able to bring my boyfriend around my friends without causing a scene."

"I didn't cause a scene," Luke whined, growing annoyed with the interrogation.

"Bry was nothing but nice and you were so rude to her," Ashton frowned.

"I'm back in my little mood," Luke pouted.

"You can't just throw a tantrum or start crying any time I try and talk with you about something, that's not how a relationship works," Ashton insisted.

"Why? What's the point in being in a relationship if it's all lectures."

"Because when you care about someone you want to share more with them than just sex," Ashton sat up, crossing his arms.

"What if all I have to offer is sex?"

"Do you really believe that?" Ashton's face softened.

"Look at me, Ash! I have nothing, I am nothing. But I am good at making other people feel good. If you need more than that then you're wasting your time," Luke was getting worked up.

"Luke, you are the most complicated person I have ever met. There is so much more to you than you think. I want to learn everything." Ashton insisted. 

"I don't want you to learn everything," Luke mumbled.

"Why not?"

"This is just all too much. You ask for too much Ashton."

"I just want to get to know you."

"I think you should go," Luke whispered, he was starting to struggle to breathe.

"Whatever. Fuck this. I'm done," Ashton yelled, storming out of the apartment. 

He needed a drink.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Ashton threw his head back and downed another drink in one go, ignoring the cheers of strangers next to him. He needed to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Someone like Bryana. Luke would lose his shit, but why does Ashton always have to be the perfect one? Why can't he fuck up every now and again? Luke got to make mistake after mistake and Ashton always ended up apologising for it.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket, typing a messy message asking Bry to meet him. 

"Another two rum and cokes," Ashton asked the bartender, trying his best to sound sober.

The Bartender didn't even make eye contact, making the drinks and grabbing Ashton's credit card. He decided he was going to make them last, only taking a sip from one of the glasses.

He cared about Luke so much. The small blonde boy was like broken glass, so pretty, reflecting light like diamonds. But he wasn't a diamond, and he just cut Ashton everytime he tried to hold him. It only seemed to make Ashton want him more. He wanted to fix him, or at least soften his edges.

But the more he got to know Luke the more he couldn't ignore that there was something disingenuous about the boy. 

Ashton was shaken out of his thoughts when Bryana sat next to him. Ashton would have to be blind to not acknowledge that she looked beautiful. Her 6-inch stilettos and little black dress made her stand out from the teenagers in jeans.

"You look nice," Ashton's words slurred together.

"I just came from dinner. Probably should have gotten changed, huh?"

"Bit early to come back from dinner," Ashton pressed.

"Yeah, it was with a guy, wasn't going too well," Bryana lied. It was going as well as first dates could, but Ashton would always come first.

"My night isn't going so great either," Ashton laughed, pushing one of the drinks in front of Bryana.

"Okay, one drink. So what's got you down?"

"It's just Luke, he's driving me insane," Ashton groaned.

"He seemed so sweet," Bryana giggled.

"I really, really like him, but he's just so fucking complicated. One minute he's this sweet fragile boy and I feel like we are really connecting. The next minute he's manipulative and pushing me away," he ranted.

"That's the thing about manipulative people," Bryana sighed, "they dress up as whatever you want to see."

"But he's so broken, Bry, there's no faking that," Ashton shook his head.

"You're sitting here in pieces over him. Where is he right now?" Bryana asked, resting her hand on Ashton's thigh.

"Probably with Calum, or some other guy, getting high," Ashton spat.

Meanwhile, Luke had downed more Xanax than he should have and no longer felt the walls closing in on him. He used Snapmaps to find Ashton, though he would never admit to it and walked to the bar. 

He didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't Bryana's hand high on his thigh.

Luke ran home and slammed his bedroom door behind him. He knew all too well this would happen, but it didn't make the pain any less real. 

Luke sat at his desk and dug through his draw, pulling the pill bottles out and sitting them on his desk. He was about to dive into them when he caught sight of his red eyes in the mirror.

"Every time. Every fucking time Luke! It's pathetic!" he screamed at his reflection," you could just be happy with what Calum and Michael give you but you have to push and push and hope. Look at yourself!"

His sobs were starting to make his ribs and throat throb, but it was starting to balance out the unbearable pain of a breaking heart. He tipped every bottle out into a pile, choosing four to swallow. He chased them with a swig of vodka, but nothing was working fast enough.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

"I'm worried about Luke getting high with Calum, but I'm here getting drunk with you," Ashton shook his head, standing up.

"Ashton, don't go," Bryana begged.

"Sorry B, I'll see you at work tomorrow."

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Why couldn't he be a Bryana? Why did he have to be a Luke?

He lit a cigarette with shaky fingers, but when the smoke didn't burn his lungs he pressed the lit tip to his forearm. A choked cry spilled from his lips, causing him to drop the cigarette on his wooden floors.

He dragged himself to his bathroom floor and dug around his cupboard for a blade. After a long struggle to get out of his black jeans, Luke brought the cold edge to his hip. He'd done this a hundred times, but he never got over the fear right before he pressed down - the cowardly hesitation.

"Just do it," he slurred to himself.

God knows what he took, but it did little to numb the sting of the blade. His arms grew weak after a mere four cuts, making him drop the metal. Luke frowned at the way the blood spread to his white lace underwear, spoiling the pair.

He was out of his head, zoning in on the red when Ashton's voice brought him back to reality.

"Luke, can I come in?"

"Go away," Luke croaked, knowing he wouldn't be able to hear him.

Ashton opened the apartment door when he didn't get a response, walking through to find the blonde in a ball on the bathroom floor.

"Fuck, baby," Ashton gasped dropping to pull the sobbing boy into his lap.

"Fuck off Ashton," Luke cried.

"I shouldn't have left you, I'm so sorry, what'd you do," Ashton rambled noticing the burn and cuts.

"What? Didn't Bry let you fuck her?" Luke spat, his eyesight going blurry. 

"How did you-" 

"I came to talk to you."

"This is all wrong, princess. I needed someone to talk to. I should have talked to you, not her, I'm so fucking sorry," Ashton's voice was breaking.

"I can't do this anymore Ash. I can't feel like this for one more second," Luke's sobs made Ashton's heart burn.

"Please, what can I do to make it better, I'll do anything."

"You could have stayed. You could have held me. I was happy when you were holding me," Luke cries were getting softer as Ashton stroked his hair.

Ashton knew Luke told him to leave, but that didn't matter. He didn't care who was right or wrong, he just wanted to make Luke happy. He'd ruin himself to make him happy.

"Okay, baby. I'll hold you. If you let me I won't ever stop holding you," Ashton whispered, peppering Luke's red face with kisses.

"Okay," Luke sniffed.

He picked him up and carried him to the bed, neither of the boys worried about the blood staining the white bedsheets.

"Why do you do this to yourself, princess," Ashton asked, holding Luke's forearm to inspect the burn.

"I was hurting," Luke whispered.

Ashton just nodded, even though he didn't understand in the slightest. There were some things about Luke he would never understand, but it didn't stop him from trying.

"I promise I'm not like the others Lu, you can open up to me. I'm not going to hurt you."

"But you did, today," Luke sighed.

"I know."

There was a moment of silence before Luke began speaking, much to the surprise of both of them.

"I hate my mum. I think that's why I hate girls."

"Why do you hate your mum?" Ashton grabbed the blonde's hand encouragingly, tracing the lines of his palm.

"Dad was evil, but she wasn't. I could see it in her eyes when she'd see the bruises the next morning. The regret and pity and self-hatred. She had a conscience, she could have stopped him, or at least tried. We could have run away, maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up then."

"You're not fucked up, everyone else is," Ashton frowned.

"I'm tired," Luke mumbled, his eyelids to heavy to stay open, "Stay the night?"

"Of course, princess."


End file.
